I had wasted everything I had gained. The restored strength, the new hope, the sense of possibility; those were all alienated from me now. My body was battered once again, and I knew that I would not be able to move myself at all. I would have to remain here, with my nude body on the floor, until Nidath arrived in three or four hours hence.
The pain subsided only slightly between that time and Nidath’s arrival. I had hoped that my fatigue or misery might allow me to achieve sleep, but this proved to be in vain. I remained awake for the entire night and the entire morning, and the sound of Nidath’s arrival was only welcome to me because I thought it might mean more sleep. I only cared about sleep just then, and Nidath was now irrevocably associated with it.
She called “yahram alu” as usual, and then proceeded up the stairs and to my room. I heard her gasp as she discovered my body crumpled upon the ground. “Fe’n!” She cried. “Fe’n, what has happened to you?”
“I require sleep,” I whispered. I am not sure if this was audible to her; the words had attempted to escape from my throat, but they encountered so many physical obstacles along the way that they might have become muffled within me. I had said so few words over the last several days that my throat was heavy with phlegmic obstructions, and my voice was weak.
“Oh Fe’n, what have you done?” Nidath asked, as she rushed to my body. I felt her warm hands upon my cool, naked skin. She placed her hands in the shallow pits between my arms and my chest, and lifted me. This caused great pain in me, especially in my right shoulder, but pain felt meaningless to me at that time.
Nidath struggled with the lift, and I briefly found my body facing hers. She finally pushed me up upon the bed and rolled me onto my back. Then, as she bent down to grab my blanket from the floor, I felt a terrible, strange sensation. Why now, of all times? How, when the other of my body was so weak and limp, was I feeling a tightening in my loins? I knew what this was—I had felt in a dozen times before—but I did not think it capable of standing upright when even I could not. Oh please, let Nidath not notice it! Let the thing subside before she casts her eyes upon me once again!
But it was no use. Nidath stood up and noticed what I had done. It was not a great throbbing—I was much to weak and passive for that—but there was a clear and present distinction between my genitalia’s normal condition and their condition now. Nidath’s eyes widened and she inhaled sharply. Then, catching herself, she threw the blanket upon me and quickly turned her back. “There you are,” she said. “You may adjust as you please.”
Of course, she knew that I lacked the strength to adjust the blanket, but she probably understood that making contact with me would just make the situation worse. She retreated to the entry of the room to gather her stew and I clenched my eyes closed in shame. Is this how it would always be? Would I always devastating defeat upon defeat after a few meager victories? All of the ground I had gained in the last two days had been lost, and now I had reached the point of my greatest misery. Only one thing could make the situation worse—if Nidath were to mention it to me, or to change in any way. My only hope was that we could pretend such a thing never happened, and we could resume from the bad—but not worst—moment when she discovered me slumped on the floor.
She returned with the stew and fed me a few gulps. She did not look at my eyes, which is just as well, as I would not have been willing to meet hers. As she fed me, I kept my eyelids shut tight, and even when I finished the broth and she pulled the cup away, I did not open them.
Several minutes passed without event. Had Nidath left? What was she doing? Then, just as I considered opening my eyes to see if she remained, she spoke to me. “Do you seek sleep in such earnest? Had you left the bed in search of sleep?”
My eyes remained closed. “Yes,” I said at length. More silence followed. Then, I opened my eyes and looked upon her face. I was stunned anew at how beautiful she was. Had it always been this way, or had she actually grown lovelier in the last fifteen minutes? Thankfully, my body did not offer a response. Instead, I told her: “it is the one thing I desire most in the world at this moment.” I closed my eyes once again.
“Very well,” she said. “I have something that should help. I shall go home forthwith, and return as soon as I am able, to bring you a drink that will bring you sleep.”
I took three fast, deep breaths, and I could feel my chest heaving. I sensed that I was near tears once again, so rather than show these to her, I nodded with as much vigor as I could muster, in order that she leave at once. I opened my eyes to a squint and watched as she disappeared out of the door. Then the tears began to flow once again, and I sound found myself wailing and moaning at my own misfortune.
This continued for probably close to an hour. Then I stopped, abruptly, when I heard the door open below once again. I had not been able to wail very loudly, so it is unlikely that Nidath had been able to hear me when she first entered. I wanted to keep it that way, so I made sure that I was in the best condition possible when she returned into my chamber.
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